A wise man once said “Change isn’t permanent, but change is.” I often return to visit those words when I am in times of transition. The feeling of being unmoored from things that were once stable in our lives is uncomfortable. It can be difficult, even scary, to change things that are fundamental to who we are.
But if we slow down and examine it, we can often find that some of the best things in our lives are things that came about when we risked much, when we took the leap, or when we stepped back from a choice that no longer made sense. Let’s take a moment and examine why these moments in our lives can feel difficult and momentous. But how they also can be incredibly rewarding.
I grew up in the christian church. The denomination in question was not politically active nor was it theologically loose. It was focused on education, knowledge of christ was paramount. Knowledge of all the lessons the bible had to teach. This focus on education went so deep that my family sacrificed a lot so that each child was sent to a private christian school. I had family members who were missionaries and pastors. It was never a question of what my spiritual life would, should, look like.
This carried on into my adult life. I volunteered at my church and participated in an active christian life. Solace and I spend decades as youth pastors. I felt a call in my life and entered university with the goal of becoming a pastor myself. I followed that path diligently in my studies. I graduated with a BA at University, followed by a M Div in seminary. I was all set to shepherd a church of my own. My extended family was supportive and proud of my accomplishments.
I won’t go into the details of what came after. But it was years of heartache and hard choices. At my lowest low, Solace told me that I had a choice, our marriage or my ministry. The choice was easy, and painful. I walked away from what I thought had been my life’s purpose. Because our marriage was more important to me than god.
Thus began my christian deconstruction, a process that took years and led me into a deep depression. How can you walk away from something that was a part of your life since the day you were born? How can something that fed you spiritually turn to poison in your mouth? How can you overcome the sunk cost fallacy?
The sunk cost fallacy is a mistake people create in their thinking that can lead to sometimes troubling behavior. When you invest time, money, love, energy and commitment into something you become invested in that thing beyond it being worth the effort. The idea that this thing has become toxic or harmful to you cannot even be thought. To think this way would reveal that your investment was bad, the return you are getting is evidence of it. This is why people stick with a failed relationship. Or when business owners cannot let go even if it ruins them financially. This fear of our effort having been wasted causes us to stay in something far after it no longer serves us.
That is what christianity became to me. A toxic relationship that no longer served me, but a relationship I struggled to move on from because I had invested time, money, energy, and my spiritual identity into being a “good” christian. It is only natural that a depression followed walking away from it. After years of struggle, Solace once again stepped in and gave me the nudge I needed to seek out mental health help. A combination of therapy, medication, and meditation led me out of the torment my life became. I was reborn and I was starting over fresh.
I was always a student of religion. My bachelors degree was focused in comparative religion, a discipline wherein you ask hard questions of religions that they themselves are not allowed to ask. When you interrogate a faith system seeking flaws and inconsistencies you will find them. The sunk cost fallacy often prevents us from asking those same questions of our own faith system. That is what I did, I studied Islam, Hinduism, Shinto, Neo Paganism, New Age Spiritualism….I studied them all with the sharp academic scalpel my education had given me. The second major of my degree was in Ethics and Philosophy. They too became the subject of my inquiry. Nothing made sense because I struggled so hard to shed the christian colored glasses I had worn all my life.
Then came the breakthrough. I focused on my ancestry. I was without a port in the storm as it were. No faith or philosophy could shield me from depressive thoughts in my head or make sense of the awful things I confronted in the world. My people became that for me. From my recent ancestors back to the beginning of civilization in Northern Europe, our ancestors had the same struggles we have. The same basic questions of meaning, purpose, and faith. Their wisdom became the foundation of what came next.
One night when I was sleeping I had a dream. On its own that isn’t as strange a thing. This dream was different. It felt real, it felt powerful. In it I turned away from a christian church and took a different path. At the end of it was a woman. She sat next to a roadside farm produce stand. At her right side was a Raven sitting on the head of a hound. At her left side was an owl sitting on the head of an otter. She smiled at me in a way that felt safe and seen. She said, “We will get you where you need to go.”
From that dream grew a new path. By blending elements of paganism, Wicca, and other sources I have created a faith system that makes sense to me. A church of one. My path. Beside me, Solace had been doing the work herself for she too had deconstructed from the faith of her childhood and family. Our paths were not the same. But they ran parallel to each other in a way that made sense to us.
Perhaps in later blogs I will give more detail. The faith I left behind, the faith I hold now, the peaks and valleys of doing this work. If you have felt this fear regarding your faith know you are not alone. Everyone must test the beliefs they hold. I hope you will join me in asking these questions and finding these answers. Today I just want to leave you with a thought: What in your life continues to serve you, and what no longer makes sense?
May you find your path, may you have the courage to take it, may it lead you to where you need to be. So mote it be.
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